The Over/Under Paradox

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

- Truman Capote

***

I’ve had the privilege of coaching young men and woman for over 35 years.  I constantly hear my colleagues say that kids have changed over the years; “they’re just not the same.”  Yes, kids have changed!  They live in a different world now.

One of the biggest changes I have seen in coaching is the amount of pressure that is put on young athletes and the manner in which they handle the pressure.   Research has demonstrated that children and adolescents are showing symptoms of high anxiety and depression now more than ever. 

So where is the pressure coming from?  In my opinion, it's not coming from the coaches; it’s coming from the home.  Now more than ever, children are pushed and expected to succeed in every aspect of their lives.  Their lives are controlled by a schedule adopted by parents that have them into all kinds of activities to ensure that they will become a “success” in something. From sunup to sundown, children move from one regulated activity to the next.  The one thing missing from the schedule is “time to be a kid.”  To further exacerbate the problem, these very kids who are pushed to the limit live with overprotected parents.   When the child experiences a problem, be it little or big, mom and/or dad come rushing into solve the problem.   Hence, these kids don’t get a chance to develop critical problem solving skills and conflict resolution skills.  Instead, often times they develop deflective and blaming tendencies.

These high-pressure and overprotective parents create what I call the “Over/Under Paradox.”  Parents want their children to overachieve, but they do so by overwhelming them and overprotecting them at that same time.  With high expectations to succeed, problems, conflict and hardship are inevitable.   Living with the “over” created by their parents, children have underdeveloped coping skills to handle the pressure that goes along with the requirement to succeed.   The very parent that tries to protect the child from failure is the same parent pushing the child to succeed.  Parents take note: Dale Carnegie said, “Develop success from failures.  Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping-stones to success.”

Just think about an “over/under” child, living in the adult world; still living with high parental expectation for success and has not develop the necessary problem solving skills and coping skills to  tackle the problems associated with becoming successful in the adult world.   I write this not to criticize parents.  I write this as a coach, who has witnessed a change in kids.  In my humble view, parents have always held high expectations for their children.  Most parents have always wanted and seen their children better off than themselves.  The difference I see with parents today is the “over;” the overwhelming and the overprotecting.   My advice to parents “let kids be kids.”  Sure, it’s totally appropriate to have high expectations for your children.  Just remember, kids will make mistakes, they’re supposed to.  It’s all a part of figuring out life.  The key is to let them sort it out, not you.  Children learn the most when you allow them to make the most from their failure.  Remember it was Truman Capote, who once said, “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

It's your life: live it, love it & celebrate it!

MJD

Choice not Chance!

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition."

 - Martha Washington



*** 30-Second Timeout Talk:

The first, First Lady tells us the that the key to happiness is a choice. Just think, the life of a colonist in the 18th century pales in comparison to the modern conveniences we enjoy today. Life was hard! Not only were Martha’s circumstances difficult, she also experienced significant personal tragedies. Her first husband died and two of her children all died within a period of 4 years when she was in her early to mid-twenties. From her circumstances, Martha Washington learned it’s not what happens to you that counts, it’s how you think and respond to what happens that really counts.

We will all experience good days and bad days, good situations and bad situations. It’s all a part of our human nature. Having a choice is also a part of our human nature. So, the good news is the situations we find ourselves don’t dictate our happiness; we dictate our happiness. It’s called having a choice! So choose happy!

It's Your Life: Live it, Love it, Celebrate it!
MJD

Be Good To Yourself

“You're walkin' a high wire,
Caught in a crossfire,
Oh be good to yourself”

- Journey (Be Good to Yourself – 1986)

***
Be good to yourself!  Being good to yourself is not selfish; it’s not about self-pity; and, it surely isn’t about being self-obsessed.  It’s about being kind to you.  It means acknowledging and accepting our imperfect human conditions: physical, mental and emotional.   It means that as humans we are not always going to get it right so it is imperative that we forgive ourselves.  Being good to yourself is about practicing compassion; self-compassion!

Compassion thwarts the throes of judgment and evaluation and embodies the characteristics of kindness and acceptance.  If we can treat our mistakes, misgivings and miscalculations with kindness, we put ourselves in a better position to learn from the errors of the past, which fosters growth.   Being overly self-critical on the other hand inhibits learning and growth.  It fosters judgment and evaluation of the person as a whole and not the specific action or inaction of the person.  A harshly, self-critical person begins to think they are “not capable” and/or they are “not worthy.”   Bear in mind that thoughts produce feelings, and feelings produce beliefs.  When someone believes that they are “not capable” and/or are “not worthy,” hope begins to wane.   And, without hope, people become indifferent and settle for as is.

So, it is imperative that you stop the self-judgment, self-evaluation, and self-beating and be good to yourself!  Disappointment, adversity, and hardship are akin to the human condition.  Not one of us is immune to it.  Being good yourself is a mental and emotional state that you have control over.   You have heard it said before, “It’s not what happens to you, but how your respond to what happens to you that counts.”   When you’re good to yourself you’re promoting mental and emotional health.  So, make it a habit.  It’s something that can be learned, practiced and developed.   So in the words of the band Journey, “Be good to yourself!”

-MJD

It’s your life; live it, love it & celebrate it!

86,400

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow.” 

- Mahatma Gandhi –

***

In 2009 Kris Allen released, Live Like We’re Dying.  Allen tells us, “You only got 86,400 seconds in the day to turn it all around or to throw it all away.”  What does it mean to live like you’re dying?  It means the present moment is the only thing that is assured.  Nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow.  So live in the present moment!

How does one live like they’re dying?  They live and find the peace and beauty in the present moment.  They truly are with the people they are with.  They don’t allow intrusions from our “connected” world.  They connect with the people they are with.  They’re not distracted by a wandering mind that focuses on the past or what’s next.  The present moment is all that matters.   They look for the beauty that nature offers.  They understand that nature’s splendor has a profound impact on the senses and is a gateway to possessing a peaceful mind.  So, find beauty in people, places, and things and live like you’re dying!   

Living like you’re dying means we take calculated risks in order to learn about ourselves, grow from the experience and we become the person we were meant to be.  It means we take calculated risks and engage in those activities that we’ve always thought about doing but never had enough courage and/or time to do.  So, step out of your comfort zone and live like you’re dying.

Living like you’re dying means that we forgive.  It means forgiving ourselves for what we’ve done and/or what we should have done.  It means forgiving others for what they did or didn’t do. It means letting go of the past.  When you live in the moment, the past has no power over you.  As long as you feel regret, harbor resentment, hold grudges, and remain bitter you remain a prisoner of the past.  Being a prisoner of the past does not allow you to live in the present moment.  So, forgive and live like you’re dying.
 

Finally, living like you’re dying means that we are grateful to the Lord above for providing to us all at that is good and that we keep our “eye on the prize (the promise).”

It’s true that we only have 86,400 seconds in a day and that there will come a time for all us when there will be no more seconds or days.  So make the very best of the time you have and live like you're dying.

It’s your life: live it (like you're dying), love it, and celebrate it!
MJD

***

An Opportunity for Opportunites

“In the middle of every difficulty…comes opportunity.
- Albert Einstein

***

POINT TO PONDER:

Adversity and problems are a part of life!  Are life problems really problems or could they offer us something?  Could our problems be opportunities in disguise?   If so, how could one ever find opportunity in the midst of adversity? Opportunity’s genesis comes from facing problems with faith, patience, and doing the work!
 

One must have faith that something good will come from adversity.  If you look back upon troubling times in your life, in every case you should be able to identify a life lesson that presented itself, an area of personal growth and development that occurred, and/or doors that were opened as a result of the adversity you endured.  One must be patient.  Most times, opportunities that spawn from adversity will not present itself for days, weeks, or even years to come.  Finally, one must do the work!  Thomas Edison said, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”  It’s not until you are in the midst of solving your problem (doing the work) that opportunity will have a chance to come your way.
 

When one is suffering through adversity how does one maintain faith, patience and the strength to do the work?  Here’s a little advice – Reach Out!  Reach out to family and friends, and most importantly, reach out to the Good Lord above.  Instead of telling people how big your problems are – tell them how big your God is.  When you tell people how big your God is you’re putting your trust in him and demonstrating steadfast faith - faith that something good will indeed come.  In Ecclesiastes 3 we are told, “For every season there is a purpose under heaven.”  The verses continue on to tell us we will experience both good times and bad times; yet, both do have a purpose.  Finally, you have to do the work!  The Good Lord has equipped you with talent and abilities to overcome any and all adversity.  He has giving you all that you need – you just have to be willing to do the work! 

Always remember, adversity becomes an opportunity for opportunities! 

It’s your life: live it, love it & celebrate it!
MJD

***

Your Eulogy

“When wealth is lost nothing is lost.  When character is lost all is lost.”
- Billy Graham

***
Unfortunately, I have been to a number of funeral/memorial services in my lifetime.  How many times have you heard that a funeral/memorial service is intended to be a celebration of the life of the decedent?  It is through the eulogy that one’s life is examined and celebrated.   A eulogy is typically an oration honoring the decedent.  The honor focuses on the character of the person.  Rarely will your hear stories about of the material things in their life.  Things like money, houses, trophies, and awards, just to name a few, all become insignificant.   The things that you can’t take with you into the next life all become meaningless.
  

I was taught at a very young age that anything that you possess can be taken away from you, except your character.  It’s your character that you and you alone possess.  It’s your character that you’re responsible for and must safeguard.  At the time of death, everything is taken away, except your character.  Hence, your character will be the only thing that you will take with you into your next life. 

It is only fitting that as we honor our loved one we don’t speak of the meaningless things in their life.  They are honored by speaking of things that really mean something – things that transcends one life to the next.  We hear stories about love, kindness, gentleness.  We hear phrases like, “an awesome father,” “a loving mother,” or “my best friend.”   We hear words like “giving,” “dedicated,” and “loyal.”

My question to you:  When it comes time for your eulogy will it be like the reading of a resume and a financial statement?  If so, it is because you decided to spend more time building a resume and wealth than you did building character.  Nobody knows what our next life holds.  We do know that there is only one thing that we take with us and that is our character.  Therefore, all of us should be engaged in doing things that enhance our character.  Not only so we are well-equipped for our next journey, but it’s the right thing to do!   When we become a better person, we become a better spouse, parent, child, relative, friend, neighbor, employee – the list goes on.   When you become a better person, you make those around you better and the world becomes a better place.   Talk about a win-win situation all around: you become better, others become better and the world becomes better – that’s pretty tough to beat!

It’s your life: live it, love it, & celebrate it!
MJD

A Vicious Circle

"We first make our attitudes; then, our attitudes make us."
-- Dennis Waitley

***

Chances are you know a few people with a bad attitude.  They believe that life is neither fair nor kind.  They don't understand their "bad" life is a direct result of their bad attitude.  They would rather blame fate, circumstances, and others for their lot in life. Since they believe they are not responsible for their situation, they don't feel they need to change.  Hence, the bad attitude creates the "bad" life and the "bad" life reinforces the bad attitude.  It is a vicious circle!!

It's your life: live it, love it & celebrate it!
MJD