The Over/Under Paradox

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

- Truman Capote

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I’ve had the privilege of coaching young men and woman for over 35 years.  I constantly hear my colleagues say that kids have changed over the years; “they’re just not the same.”  Yes, kids have changed!  They live in a different world now.

One of the biggest changes I have seen in coaching is the amount of pressure that is put on young athletes and the manner in which they handle the pressure.   Research has demonstrated that children and adolescents are showing symptoms of high anxiety and depression now more than ever. 

So where is the pressure coming from?  In my opinion, it's not coming from the coaches; it’s coming from the home.  Now more than ever, children are pushed and expected to succeed in every aspect of their lives.  Their lives are controlled by a schedule adopted by parents that have them into all kinds of activities to ensure that they will become a “success” in something. From sunup to sundown, children move from one regulated activity to the next.  The one thing missing from the schedule is “time to be a kid.”  To further exacerbate the problem, these very kids who are pushed to the limit live with overprotected parents.   When the child experiences a problem, be it little or big, mom and/or dad come rushing into solve the problem.   Hence, these kids don’t get a chance to develop critical problem solving skills and conflict resolution skills.  Instead, often times they develop deflective and blaming tendencies.

These high-pressure and overprotective parents create what I call the “Over/Under Paradox.”  Parents want their children to overachieve, but they do so by overwhelming them and overprotecting them at that same time.  With high expectations to succeed, problems, conflict and hardship are inevitable.   Living with the “over” created by their parents, children have underdeveloped coping skills to handle the pressure that goes along with the requirement to succeed.   The very parent that tries to protect the child from failure is the same parent pushing the child to succeed.  Parents take note: Dale Carnegie said, “Develop success from failures.  Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping-stones to success.”

Just think about an “over/under” child, living in the adult world; still living with high parental expectation for success and has not develop the necessary problem solving skills and coping skills to  tackle the problems associated with becoming successful in the adult world.   I write this not to criticize parents.  I write this as a coach, who has witnessed a change in kids.  In my humble view, parents have always held high expectations for their children.  Most parents have always wanted and seen their children better off than themselves.  The difference I see with parents today is the “over;” the overwhelming and the overprotecting.   My advice to parents “let kids be kids.”  Sure, it’s totally appropriate to have high expectations for your children.  Just remember, kids will make mistakes, they’re supposed to.  It’s all a part of figuring out life.  The key is to let them sort it out, not you.  Children learn the most when you allow them to make the most from their failure.  Remember it was Truman Capote, who once said, “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

It's your life: live it, love it & celebrate it!

MJD