"Better Off"

“It’s not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”  

- Ann Landers

***
Most parents will profess that they want their children to be “better off” than them.  There is nothing wrong a “better off” philosophy.  It is admirable that parents want their children to “better off” than them.  The problem with a “better off” philosophy is when ends justify the means.  The recent college-admissions scandal uncovered by the Federal Bureau of Investigations highlights the perils when parents will do almost anything to create a “better off” environment their children.  Fifty people are alleged to have engaged in criminal activity, by bribing or buying their child’s admission into prestigious universities.  All of the people charged are affluent and certainly have the means to pay for their child being “better off.”

Thus far, it has been revealed that in most of the college-admission scandal cases, the children were unaware that their parents were orchestrating fraudulent activity to get them enrolled.  It is alleged that in some case parents went so far as having SAT and ACT scores altered, bribing coaches and administrators to designate their child as an athletic recruit, and submitting admission applications that contained fraudulently-obtained exam scores, grades, awards, and athletic activities.

So if the allegations are true, those parents who wanted their children to be “better off” failed on many levels.  The parents created a façade that their children were something they were not.  They likely were not the type of scholars or athletes that would have been admitted to one of the prestigious universities based upon their academics, test scores or athletic performance. If they were, their parents would not have had to commit fraud to get them admitted.   Prestigious universities have high admissions requirements for a reason.  Just think of the pressure put on the child to perform at one of these universities when the child is not able to meet the admissions requirements in the first place.
  

Who wanted the child to attend a prestigious university?  Was it the child or was it the parent?  It seems that if most of the children were unaware of their parents’ activities, it was the parent who wanted their child to attend a prestigious university.  It is a “controlling parent” who would spend lots of money and engage in illegal activity to ensure their child’s admission to a university?  The “controlling parent” won’t let their child experience failure or rejection.  It is because the “controlling parent” believes their child is too emotionally frail to handle disappointment and/or they (the parent) might be perceived as a “bad” parent when their child is not successful.  Competitive parenting has fueled the “controlling parent.”  “There is no way that the “Jones’” kids are going to be better than ours.”  Today, “controlling parents” are over.  They will show up at schools, sporting events, recitals, competitions, and even a birthday party if they believe they can manipulate the situation to shed the best light on their son or daughter.  The competition and control have gotten so far out-of-hand that it now appears colleges are no longer safe from this type of parental intrusion. 

  

So what is the lesson to be learned?  Children don’t need their parents to make sure they are “better off.”  They do not need parental manipulation, facilitation, or orchestration designed to make them appear to be better than they are.  They don’t need money, fancy clothes and more “things” to make them feel important.  They certainly don’t need to experience life lessons manufactured by their parents that end up distorting their view of themselves and the real world.
 
All children need to be “better off” is unconditional love and support.  They need to know that when they fall, their parents will be there to pick them up, dust them off, and send them on their way to experiencing being “better off.”

It's your life: live it, love it & celebrate it!
MJD

Act Like You've Been There Before

“A Great man is always willing to be little.”
- Ralph Waldo Emmerson

***
I’m all for celebration!  It’s both meaningful and relevant to celebrate life’s significant events.  What I’m not for is self-celebration.  Especially, the self-celebration that we see in sports today, primarily on the football field and basketball court.  Self-celebration is rampant at the professional level and unfortunately, has filtered down to youth sports.  Sticking your tongue out or pounding on your chest after scoring a basket has no place on a basketball court.  Performing a shimmy dance after making a tackle or standing in the end-zone, after scoring a touchdown, with arms raised as if you’re Caesar before his subjects needs to come to an end.  

Basketball and football are team sports.  Success should be celebrated as a team after the game; not after a play, by one individual with a need for attention.  I get it that professional athletes are on a big stage.  The problem is young athletes are in the audience.  Children will mimic what they observe, especially, from their role models; hence, the reason why we find young athletes engaging in self-celebration.

I get it that there is a lot of emotionality in professional sports.  But, a self-centered display of emotion after a big play compromises the team concept.  When Caesar stands in the end-zone to draw adulation from fans, he derogates the effort of the other ten players that made his big play possible.   After the big dunk, with a tongue hanging out like a thirsty dog, the player seems to forget his teammate who made the pass to set up the dunk. Throughout history, individualism has led to the ruination of a good team. 

Whatever happened to “Act like you been there before?”  Several former famous coaches knew the value in promoting this philosophy. The coaches knew that it was through hard work that a player could achieve individual success.  And, practicing humility would lead to the continued success of the athlete and more importantly, the success of the team.  It is in humility that one learns respect; respect for one’s self, teammates, coaches, opponents, referees, and the game itself.  In essence, these great coaches preached, “don’t dance around like a fool when something big happens, instead go immediately back to work to put yourself and your team in a better position to do it can again.”   I ask, “What professional coach today would not like a group of talented, hard-working, humble, and respectful players?”

So, to today’s professional athlete’s I say, please stop with your display of self-celebratory delight.  We fans can recognize a good play, and we understand that big plays take more than one person.  What I do ask is two things from you.  First, please understand that making it to the professional level is a combination of things: God’s gift to you – your talent; your hard work; and the hard work of others, who have coached you, mentored you, supported you and loved you.  So, you see your big plays aren’t only about you.  There are many, past and present, who also deserve credit for the genesis of the big play. 

Next, I ask that you recognize that you are a role model.  Please understand the importance of being a good role model to our youth and recognize it starts on the court and on the field.  You have a unique ability to impact children.  You can teach valuable lessons concerning good character to our youth by the way you behave during a game.  So, the next time you have an urge to engage in a self-celebratory ritual, please hold-off and go back to work.  Once the game is over, the locker room has cleared-out and nobody is watching, go ahead a do a little celebratory dance. Celebrate because the life of a child is better because of you.  It's better because you taught those who watched a very valuable lesson in humility! 

It's your life: live it, love it, & celebrate it!
MJD

People Will Talk!

"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us."
- Steven Covey

***
I’ve found that people like to talk. And, boy do they like to talk about others! During my younger years it would bother me when I learned that people were talking about me. I would think to myself, “You don’t even know me” or “You really do even know all of the facts.” However, I’ve also found that with age wisdom cometh! Thank the Lord! Wisdom is the integration of knowledge and understanding gained through life’s experiences.

Experience has taught me that people will talk behind my back. Wisdom tells me that they are behind my back for a reason.

Experience has taught me that people will harshly criticize me. Wisdom tells me their opinion is not my reality.

Experience has taught me a person’s perception of me is a reflection of them. Wisdom tells me how I react is a reflection of me.

Experience has taught me that I create a self-imposed prison of fear and anxiety when I’m bothered by what others say (think) about me. Wisdom has taught me what other people think of me is none of my business.

It is human nature to want to be liked and respected. It is important to me to earn the respect of others and I try hard to earn that respect. However, experience has taught me that for one reason or another there will always be people who do not like me, and, therefore, will utter mean things about me. Wisdom tells me to focus on what I think about myself; for the rest will take care of itself.

So one might think that I do not care about what anyone says about me. That is the furthest from the truth. Experience has taught me that I need to care about what is said about me by the people I love and respect. Wisdom tells me to listen and learn for they have my best interest at heart.

Yes, experience has taught me that people will talk. And, people will talk about me; some for my betterment and some for my degradation. Wisdom tells me that when it comes down to it I really should only care about what God thinks of me.

So, go ahead and just be you! Stop worrying about what others think or say about you; because in the words of Dr. Suess, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

It's your life: live it, love it, and celebrate it!
MJD

Love Don't Judge

“Judging a person does not define who they are … it defines who you are.”

- Unknown

***
Why are we so quick to judge others?  Why do some seem to focus in on the inadequacies, misfortunes, and failures of others?  Is it because judging makes us feel better about ourselves?  Statements like, “I would never do anything like that” or “He/She needs to grow-up” is passing judgment.  Passing judgment derives from a comparison of personal values and standards.  “Since I would never do anything like that,” that makes me better than you.  Since “He/She needs to grow-up” that means I’m much more mature than he/she.

It is human nature to compare ourselves to others.  Comparing ourselves to people we admire or aspire to be like can be a healthy comparison if the comparison serves as a catalyst for self-improvement.  Comparing ourselves to people less fortunate than us can be a healthy comparison if the comparison leads to action designed to help those who are less fortunate.  Passing judgment on another is different than making a comparison of another.   Passing judgment means that we have a strong dislike or disapproval of someone or something they did.  When we pass judgment on others, we put ourselves in a position of superiority over others, which generates a false sense that we are entitled to be their judge.

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Good Lord speaks to us about judging others (Matthew 7: 1-5) First,  we are told if we judge others, we are certain to be judged, and our judgment will be the same manner that we judge others.  Next, we are admonished about judging others when our “own house is not in order.”

There is only one true Judge.  And all of us, someday, we stand before that Judge.  The Judge has warned, “Judge, lest not be judged.”  This same Judge has told us that the second greatest commandment is “To love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).  So, if our Judge has instructed us to love our neighbor and refrain from passing judgment, to that I say, “Love, don't judge - because love doesn’t judge.” 

It's your life: live it, love it, & celebrate it!
MJD

A Confession!

Any man who can kiss a pretty girl and drive safely is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

~ Albert Einstein

***

I have a confession to make. I used to think I was really good at multi-tasking. In fact, I was proud to profess that I was pretty competent when it came to doing many things at once. Now, I’m here to say that I’m not very good at it at all. In fact, outside of chewing gum and walking at the same time, I realize that I shouldn’t be very good at doing more than one thing at a time. Instead, my focus should be on being good at the one thing I’m doing at the present time.

Because of our busy, hectic lifestyles, we tend to sacrifice quality for quantity. We tend to work harder, but not smarter. We believe that the more things we can “juggle” at one time, the better off we’ll be. Research has proven the opposite. People who multi-task while performing cognitive tasks experience a measurable drop in IQ (University of London). Medical research has demonstrated an increase in cortisol (the stress hormone) when people multi-task. Constantly switching from one activity to the next is downright stressful and exhausting. Glaring examples of the dangers of multi-tasking is texting/talking on the phone while driving.

Multi-tasking creates a lack of focus. It’s incredibly hard to focus when you have “a lot of balls in the air.” So today, I’m giving up multi-tasking for mindfulness. Mindfulness is deliberate awareness of the present moment. The first place I’m starting is with my “smart devices.” A smart device is the consummate multi-tasking lure. Don’t believe me - take a look at the number of “apps” you have on your phone and/or the number of apps that you have running at any one time. Text messages, e-mail messages, and voice messages instantly appear on-screen and distract you from the present moment. The enticement of Facebook notifications, Instagram photos, and tweets (Twitter) are social media thieves. They easily steal the present moment away from you.

Here’s a social experiment for you. The next time you go out to a restaurant, observe how many people have their smart devices out on the table. A number of them will be “ready, willing, and able” to be distracted from the present moment. In addition, watch how many people are looking at their devices when a conversation is going on at their table. It’s not uncommon to see no conversation going on at a table because the display (information/message/photo) on the smart device is more appealing than the people present.

I’m giving up multi-tasking and working towards mindfulness. Being mindful is living in the moment. It is a deliberate awareness of what is going on in the present. It is focusing on the people and the event taking place in the given moment. It is an understanding and appreciation that the particular moment is unique and it can never be created exactly the same.

So I ask you to join me in practicing mindfulness. Now, I’m not saying that there won’t be situations where you’ll have to run in different directions. That’s just a part of life. What I am saying is to maintain your focus on and enjoy the direction you happen to be running in. So I ask you, would you rather have a mind full (over-taxed) or be mindful?

I’m glad that I made this confession. It feels liberating! If I ever get asked, “Can you multi-task?” I’ll probably just say the only thing I think I can do is chew gum and walk at the same time!

Here’s to being mindful of mindfulness!

It's your life: live it, love it & celebrate it!

MJD

I Just Want to Say Thank You!

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”

- Friedrich Nietzsche

30-Second Timeout Talk:

I have been blessed to have had so many wonderful people teach me so many things about life; my parents, my siblings, relatives, friends, mates, acquaintances, and even strangers. Your guidance, counsel, impact, and influence on my life have been profound. To all of you, I say thank you! I’ve also been fortunate to have not very many, “not so wonderful people” teach me a thing or two about life. And, to you, I say thank you too!

You’re might be wondering why would you thank the “not so wonderful people?” The not so wonderful people are those people in your life who intend to create problems for you. Their motives are self-serving. These people delight by intending to destroy your reputation, your career and/or relationships. When you become the victim of the “not so wonderful people” of the world, the experience is emotionally distressing. Knowing that someone is trying to destroy your life can be “gut-wrenching.”

It’s “gut-wrenching until you figure out that the “not so wonderful people,” who are intending to tear you down are actually building you up. You see, the “not so wonderful people” are motivated by envy. You have or possess something they lack. In the process of attempting to tear you down (taking away what you have), they unknowingly teach you valuable lessons about yourself and about life! It’s when you embrace the learning opportunities that you begin the process of “building-up.” Talk about a plan backfiring – someone who wants to destroy you actually makes you a better, stronger person!

So yes, I say thank you! Thank you to everyone who has taught me about myself and about life. You all have had a great influence on my life. A special thank you to the few “not so wonderful,” you unknowingly, have perhaps, taught me some of the greatest lessons I have ever learned!

Here’s to better and stronger!

It's your life: live it, love it, & celebrate it!

MJD

The Exam

“Life is the most difficult exam. Some people fail because they try to copy others, not realizing everyone has different questions.  ” –Author Unknown

30-Second Timeout Talk:

                       

Life is one great big exam.  Every day we must answer questions.  Some questions don’t require much thought and we can answer them almost instinctively; while other questions can be very complex and require a great deal of careful consideration.  Just like any other test our answers (words & actions) will determine our results. 

Charles Caleb Colton is credited with saying, “Imitation is the highest form of flattery.”  It’s perfectly alright to espouse the redeeming qualities of people we admire.  Who would not want to espouse the way Mother Teresa’s demonstrated love and compassion? How about the leadership qualities and visioning of Dr. Martin Luther King?  What about the qualities of your favorite teacher, favorite coach or favorite boss.  We all need role models and people we admire.  The examples they have set forth should help us in our journey of becoming the person we were designed to be.  There is and will only be one Mother Teresa, one Dr. Martin Luther King, and one you.  So be you! 

Life is a big exam and the questions on the exam are different for each and every one of us.  The Good Lord created your exam specifically for you.  Moreover, he’s created you with a unique set of DNA.  DNA designed to equip you with getting high marks on your exam.  So it does you no good to try and copy (be just like someone else) others.  Their exam is different – with a different set of questions and designed specifically for them.  Always remember, you are unique; unique purposely!  Mike Robbins says it best, "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken

Here are my tests taking tips:

1. Be self-aware.  Know who you are and determine the person that you want to become.
2. Understand what is important to you and why it is important.
3. Don’t be in hurry – you have the rest of your life to complete your exam. 
4. Be willing to change.  You can always change your answers.  Progress comes from change.
5. Live in the moment.  Appreciate the people and the experiences that that are occurring in the present moment. 
6. Love don’t judge.  Since everyone has a different exam and you don’t know their questions, don’t judge them.  Instead, love them!  When you love others, you’ll easily find all the right answers to the questions your exam.  Love always prevails!  Remember, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins (wrong answers).” 1 Peter 4:8 (NIV). 

Here’s to achieving 100% on your exam!  

It's your life: live it, love it, & celebrate it!

MJD

***