Life's Not Fair

"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not." ~Oscar Wilde I hear quite often, "That's not fair." I hear it from children and adults alike. What makes us think that all things have to be fair? It bothers me that such disillusioned thinking has such a grasp on our society today. The other day, I heard two parents talking how it wasn’t fair that at a sports banquet only a couple of athletes were recognized for their performance during the season. Well, not everything is intended to be fair. “Life is not fair!” The sooner one understands this concept the better off they will be. I grew up in an era when we all knew that life was not fair nor was supposed to be. People were recognized and rewarded based on their attitude, work ethic and ultimately their performance. Rewards were earned! I’ve found in today's culture, children participating in youth sports get rewarded regardless of their performance, effort, and attitude. That wasn’t the case when I was young; there were no juice boxes and snacks for just showing up and, most certainly not, if you were a member of a losing team. When you lost; you lost, period! The only thing you might get from a loss was a lecture from your coach or your dad on what you and/or your team needed to do to win your next game. In the early 70’s, I played Little League baseball. The baseball facility had a concession stand where players from the winning teams would gather for their just reward – a treat from their coach and/or parents. No player from a losing team would venture near the concession stand; a reward after a loss, unthinkable! That’s just the way it was; never once did we think, "That's not fair." We understood winning brought rewards; losing brought nothing. We did not complain; we accepted the reality that our performance and ultimately winning would determine the reward. Understanding the “Life’s not fair,” principle only made us want to work harder. I understand the "rewards for participation" philosophy. It is about protecting the child’s ego; it is about making sure a child feels good about them self and the experience. While I believe that a positive self-image is critical for happiness and success, I also believe that rewarding a child merely for "showing up" sends the wrong message. According to Behavioral psychologists, behavior is learned through conditioning (rewards and punishment). Yes, children playing youth sports should be recognized and rewarded for their performance. They should also be recognized for how they embrace sportsmanship and teamwork, and for their attitude and work ethic. Participating in sports can teach children valuable life lessons. One very valuable lesson is that one does not become successful "by just showing up." The "rewards for participation" philosophy leads to a sense of entitlement. What type of lesson do we teach a child when he/she misses practices; complains about practice drills/exercises; does not put forth their best effort; is selfish and does not get along well with teammates; yet, the child plays the same amount of time as the other players and is rewarded for his/her participation or lack thereof. We are teaching entitlement! Whatever happened to the hard lessons of "You reap what you sow," or "You only get what you deserve?" So what did my youth sports experience teach me? It taught me that "Life's not fair." It taught me that if I want to be successful (win) in the baseball world, the academic world, the business world, or in any "world" for that matter, I need to work incredibly hard and never give up. It taught me that the only thing I am entitled to is that which I truly deserve. As I look back, I can say that I'm glad there were no treats when we lost a little league baseball game, for it taught me one of life’s most valuable lessons; that being, "Life's not fair" nor should it be! It's your life: live it, love it & celebrate it! MJD